Inner Lunatic
by Flaring Rhythm
Summary: Part 2 of The Smiling Detective! Witty detectives Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain lead, to say the least, very interesting lives. This is a look into aspects of Skul and Val's life together, be it their adventures or everyday goings-on, through songficlets. Mainly Valduggery (not necessarily in a bf/gf way), with a side of Ghanith and pure bloody insanity throughout. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Wow. I have been such a bad updater, it's...It's quite frankly appalling. I cannot apologise enough, guys. Bottom line, I've had plenty of ideas, I just for the life of me cannot develop them. But it's currently 2:40 am and I'm ready to write. Once again, guys, I am so, so sorry. I love you all and continue to get a case of hyper-active butterflies in my stomach when I read all your lovely reviews c: This is part two of my ridiculously long songfic, and a fresh start for my writing. Hopefully you enjoy the madness that will ensue. **Also, most fics will be set after KoTW now**. This one especially is largely KoTW based. Good damn, that book is both heartbreaking and even more feels-y, and yet again full of more of Skul and Val's soul-mate-y-ness...So it was pretty much perfect. **The first song chosen for this fic is a song that matches the plot, but the other two are ones to listen to whilst reading, which can both be found on Youtube. **

* * *

**Chapter 153- I Will Wait-Mumford & Sons / Middle Of The Hill-Josh Pyke/ Listen-Andie**

Valkyrie Cain lay in her bed in the house on Cemetery Road and stared at the ceiling, chewing on her lip. She was tired. So tired. The bags under her eyes had never been more prominent and her whole body ached, but she felt too wired to even close her eyes. Two words took the stage at the forefront of her mind and wouldn't leave._ I would. _

Valkyrie hadn't spoken to Skulduggery on the topic of the containment of Darquesse since the whole Argeddion affair was over and done with. As well as the fact Valkyrie's stomach twisted every time she thought of the fact Skulduggery would give up the rest of his days to watch over Valkyrie, they simply hadn't had the time to talk. Sanctuarys across the world were on tenterhooks. They were undoubtedly on the brink of war, which was leaving everyone in the magical community on edge and Skulduggery and Valkyrie had been kept on their toes to say the least, trying to aid Ghastly and Ravel in keeping things together, but everyone knew it was only delaying the inevitable.

The rustling of pages could be heard from down the hall, where Skulduggery was sifting through a myriad of paperwork. He had bustled Valkyrie off to bed an hour ago after she'd fallen asleep upright, as she'd leafed through official-looking Sanctuary documents which meant nothing to her even in her half-asleep state or otherwise.

But now she lay wide awake, hoping sleep would take her soon so she wouldn't have to be left alone with just her thoughts for company, which wasn't very good company at all in Valkyrie's opinion. Eventually, Valkyrie scrambled out of bed and crept from her room into the main living room, where Skulduggery was standing with his back to her, searching through books from one of the many bookcases. He looked round when she came in, and watched her as she made her way over to face him, standing in a confrontational stance.

"Valkyrie,-" Valkyrie held up her hand to silence him.

"Skulduggery. I need to ask you something."

Skulduggery tilted his head to the side and folded his arms. His shirt sleeves were rolled up to the elbows. Valkyrie glanced briefly at the exposed bone, and felt a sudden swell of affection for her skeleton detective.

"What's wrong?" Skulduggery asked, taking in Valkyrie's glazed over eyes, her eyebrows furrowed in thought. Her big, brown eyes flicked up to meet his sockets.

"Nothing. I just...Right. Okay. In Switzerland, yeah?"

"...Yes...?"

Valkyrie deliberated how to word the next part, and then, "Okay, bugger this. You said you'd spend the rest of your life watching over me."

A slight pause, then, "Nonsense, Valkyrie, how can I spend the rest of my _life _watching over you when-"

"Skulduggery. I'm being serious."

Skulduggery looked at her for a moment. "Yes. I did say that."

"Did you mean it?"

Skulduggery looked at her again as if searching for something, and then in one step closed the distance between them and placed his hands on Valkyrie's shoulders.

"Of course I did."

Valkyrie blinked at him. Oh, god, she willed silently, please don't cry. "Right. I...Right. See, I just- Uhm..." Valkyrie felt tears well up and clumsily swiped a hand across her eyes, dropping her head to avoid Skulduggery's gaze.

"Valkyrie," Skulduggery murmured, sounding a mixture of shocked and sympathetic. "What's wrong?" He took her wrists and pulled her gently into a hug.

Valkyrie mentally kicked herself for getting so bloody emotional over nothing, but her internal self-condemnation did nothing to quell the tears that were currently saturating Skulduggery's shirt. Skulduggery placed her head to his shoulder and stroked a hand down her hair comfortingly and Valkyrie wrapped her arms around him and allowed the tears to spill out. Maybe a good cry would prevent a full-blown mental breakdown that she felt was due any day now.

"Valkyrie," Skulduggery crooned, rocking her gently, "What's up? What's wrong?"

"I don't bloody know." Valkyrie sobbed, burying her head into Skulduggery's shoulder, "I just...It's n-not fair on you. Having to waste your life watching over m-me. We won't even be able to t-talk when I'm...being kept like Argeddion. You'll h-have a practically dead girl for company and...and I don't want that for you. I just want to save you, and save my family, but you shouldn't have to look after me when I'm...I'm _shut down_. And it's so hard because I don't want to be shut down, I want to be with you and my mum and dad and Alice." Valkyrie sniffed and took a calming breath before continuing, "I just want to p-protect you all but how c-can I when it's me you need protecting from?" Valkyrie took a deep shuddering breath and choked back another sob. "I just want...If I have to...to be shut d-down and contained like...Argeddion then I don't want to drag you down with me."

Skulduggery was silent for a long time, as Valkyrie shook from the aftershock of her crying, her face hidden in his shoulder. Then, quietly, he said, "After all these years, Valkyrie Cain, of me dragging you everywhere, dragging you into life threatening situations daily, tipping your life upside down and being to blame for you witnessing things no one should ever witness...You think _you're_ the one dragging _me_ down? Valkyrie, wherever you go, I go. I don't think you realise how much you...You pulled me up from a very dark place, Valkyrie. This strong-minded twelve year old girl with dark hair and confidence to rival mine marched into my life, took my hat hostage and became my partner and best friend. If the only way to stop Darquesse is to contain you, I will gladly spend my days with you, Valkyrie Cain. You say I'll only have a practically dead girl for company? You've spent the last six years in the company of a dead man, so it's only fair I return the favour. Do you think I could face going on as normal knowing you're locked up somewhere? You have never disappointed me, Valkyrie, and you never will. I will never leave your side, no matter what. If it means the only person I'll know for the rest of my days is you, so be it. It's practically that way anyway." Valkyrie looked up, and Skulduggery pressed his forehead to hers. "You and I, Valkyrie, until the end. Whenever that may be."

Valkyrie stared into the blackness that was Skulduggery's eye sockets, and wondered how anyone ever thought him heartless.

"Until the end?"

Skulduggery pulled her to him again and patter her back soothingly.

"Until the end, Miss Cain. I'm too clever to go before then, and you're too pretty."

Valkyrie smiled and laughed shakily, wiping her hand across her eyes again. "And here was me thinking you were terrible at speeches."

Skulduggery nodded into her hair. "I'm good at them when it matters."

Valkyrie hummed in agreement and sighed.

"Hey, Skul?"

"Hmmm?"

"I _am _pretty."

Skulduggery let out an exhale as a quiet laugh and hugged Valkyrie tighter. "I know."

* * *

Apologies for it being ramble-y and out of character! It'll take me a while to get back into the swing of things.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 154- Toothpaste Kisses- The Maccabees.**

"I'm dying."

"No you're not."

"I am. I'm dying. I'll be dead by morning. Feel my forehead."

If Skulduggery had eyes, he would've rolled them. With slightly more force than was necessary, he clapped a hand to Valkyrie's forehead.

"Oh," Skulduggery mused, ignoring Valkyrie's hiss of indignation at the slap to the forehead, "You _are _rather hot..."

"I know, and I've got a really high temperature, too."

Skulduggery sighed wearily. "You will be the death of me."

"I think someone beat me to it." Valkyrie drawled, and then abruptly sneezed.

"You know, for someone sick, you're awfully cheeky."

"You know, for someone dead, you're awfully unsympathetic to someone on death's door." Valkyrie retorted.

"When on death's door, Valkyrie, it's advised that you just ring the doorbell and run."

Valkyrie frowned. "If that's a cryptic way," –sneeze-, "of telling me to man up, it's not working."

"Cryptic messages not your thing? Very well: Valkyrie- man up."

Valkyrie rolled her eyes, and then groaned and rolled over in her seat to press her forehead against the cold glass of the window. Behind her, Skulduggery tilted his head speculatively, and then said in a softer tone, "Are you alright?"

"No I'm bloody not," Valkyrie mumbled, shutting her eyes against the morning light that was becoming increasingly unbearable, despite it being reasonably overcast.

"Home, then."

"Really?"

"Yep. You're no use to me if all you're going to do is sneeze over suspects."

Valkyrie scowled. "Gosh, thanks for your sympathy."

Skulduggery patted Valkyrie's back cheerfully. "No problem, dear."

* * *

They parked at the pier and Skulduggery put his arm around Valkyrie's waist and helped her to her house, keeping to the shadows. Seeing as Valkyrie's father was at an architectural conference for the weekend, and her mother was visiting a friend with Alice and wouldn't be home until late, they went into the house through the front door, in spite of Skulduggery's grumbles, and he helped Valkyrie to her room, where she immediately flopped onto the bed with a groan that was only slightly over-dramatized.

"Can you shut the curtains and turn the light off?" Valkyrie slurred, her voice muffled by the pillow her face was at present pressed in to.

"Of course," Skulduggery hummed, moving to the window and drawing the curtains. A moment later the lights were flicked off and he turned the bed-side lamp on so the room was immersed in a soft light. Even in the half-light, Valkyrie looked pale.

"How do you feel?"

Valkyrie turned her head so it was sideways on the pillow and cracked an eye open to look at him. "I ache all over, I'm roasting, my head's killing me and I feel like someone's tap-dancing on my stomach."

"In excellent health, then," Skulduggery nodded cheerfully. "Water?"

"Mmmhmm."

"Right. And where will I find medication?" He asked taking off his jacket, folding it neatly and placing it on the chair at Valkyrie's desk, along with his hat and scarf.

"Kitchen."

"Vague, but I'll work with it. Be right back."

When Skulduggery left, Valkyrie gathered up all the will power she could muster and slowly rolled out of bed. She shuffled to the wardrobe, eager to get out of her stifling work clothes and into pajamas. She kicked off her boots and peeled off her clothes quickly, biting her lip against the overwhelming urge to be sick, and pulled on a pair of cotton pajama shorts and a tank top. She tied her hair up into a bun to keep it off her neck, which was burning, and flopped back into bed.

A few minutes later, Skulduggery returned laden with supplies, which he dumped on her bedside table. He handed her a glass of water which Valkyrie took eagerly, but unfortunately could only take a sip of due to fear of throwing up. After the glass of water came two Beecham's tablets to lower her fever and quell the ache in Valkyrie's head and muscles that was rapidly amplifying, and then Skulduggery pressed a cool face cloth to her forehead.

"Thanks. I haven't been sick in ages," Valkyrie lamented, snuggling down into the pillows. Without opening her eyes, she reached up and tugged on Skulduggery's shirt, by way of getting him to sit down beside her. He lay up beside her in a sitting position with his back against the head board, and flexed his palms so a gust of air swept over Valkyrie in an attempt to lower her fever.

"Thanks," she muttered. She manoeuvred a pillow so it was propped against Skulduggery's chest, and leant up against him. Skulduggery moved a hand to rest on her forehead. It was mercifully cool against her head.

"Your temperature's still not great," he muttered.

"Ah, the burdens of being really hot- and having a high temperature."

"Well at least you haven't lost your humility."

"Naturally," Valkyrie murmured, shutting her eyes again and shifting to try and get comfy.

"Get some rest. I can't have my partner out of action for too long, you know."

"I know, who else is going to keep you right and tell you you're not funny?"

"Oh, no, I don't need you for _that_, I just need someone to tell me how wonderful I am."

"I'm not sure I'm the right person to do that."

"No," Skulduggery said doubtfully, "I don't think so either."

"You're mildly entertaining, will that do?"

Skulduggery shrugged, and started rubbing Valkyrie's back soothingly. "Close enough."

* * *

A few hours later, and Valkyrie was awake for the fourth time, now covered in a cold sweat and shivering. Skulduggery pulled the covers up around her and handed her a glass of water.

"Drink," he ordered. "You're dehydrated."

Valkyrie sighed and took a tentative sip of the water. Her stomach squirmed in protest.

"Never, ever let me get sick again," she growled, handing the glass of water back to Skulduggery and huddling back down into the covers, half lying on Skulduggery's rib cage.

"Apologies. I should have been more vigilant for germs," Skulduggery drawled sardonically.

"Damn right," Valkyrie said, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. She shivered again.

"I'm freezing," she moaned.

Skulduggery clicked his fingers and summoned a flame, which he fed magic into until it was a glowing fireball in his palm. He flexed his fingers until the heat had intensified suitably, and held it near Valkyrie until she felt toasty warm. She hummed appreciatively.

"You're handy to have around. Like my own personal temperature controller."

"So glad to know you value our friendship so highly."

Valkyrie opened one eye and looked up at Skulduggery, a soft smile on her lips.

"You know you're my best friend."

"Of course I am. I'm the best at everything, you see."

"Agreed. You're the best moron I know."

Skulduggery fanned himself with his hand mockingly, acting flustered.

"Oh, Valkyrie, stop, you're too kind!"

"I know, I know, sometimes I feel I lavish compliments on you too much," Valkyrie sighed, sounding torn.

"Don't worry, I don't think there's any risk of that," Skulduggery assured her.

"Good," Valkyrie smiled. She rolled onto her belly so she was face-planting Skulduggery's chest and gave a long-suffering sigh. "My bloody stomach really hurts." She huffed.

"It gets worse before it gets better," Skulduggery sighed, rubbing her back in soothing circles. He hesitated. "Well...I can't really judge, I haven't, you know, had a stomach in...In a few hundred years."

"Good to know, Doctor Pleasant," Valkyrie quipped.

"As sarcastic as ever, I see. I know what you need: peppermint tea-"

"That rhymed."

"I'm sorry?"

"'I see'. 'Need.' 'Peppermint tea'. It rhymed."

Skulduggery tilted his head dubiously. "Are you sure you haven't had one too many Paracetamol?"

"Shut up. Peppermint tea would be great. I'm pretty sure we've got some."

"Excellent. What time did you say your mum would be here at, by the way?"

Valkyrie waved a hand dismissively. "Not until about 9:30 at the earliest. She's down in Monkstown."

"Good. I'll get you your tea, then."

"I'll keep your space warm."

"That's my girl. Stay here, now." Skulduggery said, getting up off the bed and strolling out the door.

"It's not like I'm going anywhere," Valkyrie muttered, and pulled the covers up to her chin.

* * *

Downstairs, Skulduggery puttered about the kitchen, flicking on the kettle and putting a teabag in a cup, whistling The Girl From Impanema all the while. He leaned against the counter whilst the kettle boiled, flicking through texts on his phone, when-

"Hello? Steph, love? Where are you?"

Oh good God.

Skulduggery froze, completely lost for what to do. He looked around the kitchen wildly in vain for a hiding place or a quick exit. Nothing. He'd fought Faceless Ones, criminals of all sorts, vampires...He'd fought, well, nearly everything really, but Valkyrie Cain's mother?

He braced himself for his inevitable second death.

"Steph?" Melissa Edgely called, the sound of her voice becoming louder. This was bad. This was very, very, _very bad_...

"Mum!"

In that moment, Skulduggery had never been more thankful for Valkyrie Cain and her ability to get there in the nick of time.

"There you are, Steph!" Her mother smiled, bypassing the kitchen completely much to Skulduggery's relief. "I was calling and calling you!"

"Sorry, I was upstairs. I've been in bed all day."

"Oh, love. You really don't look well."

"I don't feel too great, either."

"You should go back up to bed, I'll go make you some tea-"

"No! No!" Valkyrie stammered hurriedly, "No, it's fine! Don't go into the kitchen!"

Please, Skulduggery prayed, definitely _do not come into the kitchen_.

"Why not?" Melissa asked, sounding rightfully suspicious.

"Because...Uh...Because I need you to go get me some ice-cream! Mum, I'm absolutely roasted."

"Oh, Steph, I wish you'd called me to get it when I was out..."

"I know, mum, I'm sorry, I didn't think. But I really, really could do with some ice cream. Please?"

Her mother sighed. "Fine," she said, a smile in her voice, "Fine! Mint choc chip?"

"You bet. Thanks, mum."

"No problem, love."

"Right, off you go, then!" Valkyrie proclaimed, overly-cheerful, and Skulduggery flattened himself against the wall as he watched Valkyrie frog-march her mother hastily passed the kitchen.

When he heard the door shut, he emerged cautiously, only to be greeted in the hall by a very stern and overheated looking Valkyrie Cain.

"You. Are. A. Moron." She grinded out, each word punctuated with a sharp poke to his rib-cage.

Skulduggery's skeleton grin practically widened. "That-" He said, "Was close."

Valkyrie laughed manically. "_Clos_e? You were 30 seconds away from getting discovered, Skulduggery! I'm supposed to be resting, not having a heart-attack!"

"Sorry, dear," Skulduggery said gently, valiantly restraining the laugh he knew would inevitably lead to his second death.

Valkyrie huffed hotly, brushing a strand of hair off her forehead. "You will be," she warned, and Skulduggery didn't doubt for a second she meant it.

"...Just as soon as I'm feeling better," she amended.

"I'm scared already..."

"Good." Valkyrie swayed on her feet slightly and the whole world spun. Skulduggery placed a hand on the small of her back to steady her.

"Well, I'm not getting up these stairs singlehandedly," she sighed.

"No, you're not."

"Piggy back?"

"Naturally."

Skulduggery crouched and Valkyrie hopped onto his back with about as much vigour as she could manage (which wasn't much, considering her current state), and rested her forehead against the cool bone of Skulduggery's neck as the pair traipsed up the stairs.

"You know," Valkyrie mused as Skulduggery walked with her to her room, "I could get used to being sick if I had a servant around to do everything for me..."

"What did your last slave die of?"

"Not doing what they were told."

"You're a violent girl, Miss Cain."

"And that is why we're best friends, Mr Pleasant," Valkyrie chided, placing her head on Skulduggery's shoulder.

Skulduggery considered this for a moment.

"...Agreed."

* * *

**The song for this chapter was chosen as I could imagine it being played in the background for a good part of this chapter! **

Another chapter in such a short space of time! I'm quite impressed with myself! Hopefully it's a little better than the previous one, although there's probably more mistakes in this due to a) no beta reader and b) I wrote it at 4am so I'm not exactly in the best state of mind as of present. So, yes, hope you enjoyed! Reviews are always welcome, as is pointing out my mistakes! Thanks, guys. x


	3. Chapter 3

GHASTLY FEELS

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**Chapter 155- I Miss You- Blink 182**

Ghastly is in bed when she comes. He's lying tangled in the sheets, in the midst of a fitful sleep when the snapping of the latch of his window brings him sharply to attention. He sits up abruptly and can only stare as Tanith Low climbs through his bedroom window, as graceful and as beautiful as ever. She is clad in her trademark, skin-tight leather, and she is radiant.

She walks slowly over to Ghastly, a small, sad smile on her face. Her eyes are anxious and they glimmer with- tears? Ghastly has never seen Tanith Low cry, but now, as she sits on the edge of his bed until her face is inches from his own, he can see the tears in her eyes.

"Tanith," Ghastly breaths out, and it is as if all the tension he's had inside him for the past three years, all the anger, all the sorrow, is released in that breath. In that breath used to speak her name. Tanith. _Tanith, Tanith, Tanith_.

"Hi," Tanith says quietly, smiling. Although she's so close, Ghastly can't feel her breathe tingling his cheek. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you," Ghastly echoes, shutting his eyes against the wave of emotion that threatens to drown him.

Tanith cups his scarred face in her hand, calloused from the years of wielding her sword. Ghastly leans into the touch.

"The remnant is gone," Tanith says quietly, leaning in so her forehead touches his.

"Good," Ghastly murmurs, relishing in the touch. Tanith. Finally here. Her soul hers and hers alone. He doesn't care how the remnant is out. She's here. "Does that mean I can cook you dinner, now?" He adds, quirking an eye open to watch the way Tanith's eyes crinkle at the corners slightly when she laughs.

"Yes, it does. Steak, wasn't it?"

"It was, yes."

"I like steak."

"I know," Ghastly sighs, wrapping an arm around her.

"First, of course, there's something I've been meaning to do for a while, now," Tanith says matter-of-factly, and then presses her lips firmly to Ghastly's, bringing both hands up to cup his face. Ghastly reciprocates enthusiastically, one hand in her hair (blonde, tousled, just as he remembers it. Gorgeous.) and one around her waist. Tanith nudges him back, until he's lying looking up at the white ceiling of his bedroom, and then Tanith looms over him, her blonde hair like a halo, her easy smile playful. An angel in leather, that Tanith Low.

She leans down to kiss him and Ghastly grins against her lips. They remain in that state for several minutes, and when she pulls away to look at him, Ghastly's heart stops.

"_No_," he chokes.

Thick, black veins crawl up that pretty face, and black bleeds into her lips, filling that easy smile with malice.

"_Tanith, please_," Ghastly pleads. "_Don't._"

Tanith Low laughs manically as out of nowhere she produces her sword, glinting threateningly as it is in the reflection of the streetlights, and raises it high above her head to-

Ghastly wakes suddenly, jolting upright. He is covered in a cold sweat, his eyes bulging.

Valkyrie looks over at him inquisitively, from where she is curled up on the other sofa, leafing through one of Skulduggery's many books.

"Ghastly? You okay?" She asks, concern tingeing her voice.

Ghastly looks at her and pulls a casual smile from somewhere, plasters it on his face to mask the fear.

"I'm grand. Bad dream. Dreamt that Skulduggery became Grand Mage- it was horrific."

"I heard that," Skulduggery muttered, not looking up from his phone.

Valkyrie smiled half-heartedly and Ghastly knew that she didn't buy it for a second, but nevertheless she turned back to her book. She knew when to leave him be. Ghastly lay back down, rolling onto his back to stare at the ceiling, and tried not to think of Tanith looming over him, the darkness seeping into her skin and her sword raised high above her head.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 156- All The Young Dudes _(that Skulduggery consistently scares away)_- David Bowie**

Valkyrie tries to date.

My God, she tries.

It's not like she chases every man she meets, by any means. No, she would sometimes meet a guy, maybe on the job, maybe in the sanctuary, or even a few mortals. They talk. They laugh. They flirt. Drinks are suggested by one and the offer is happily accepted by the other and Valkyrie thinks "maybe this will actually work out."

Of course, then there's the slight problem of the skeleton.

Skulduggery Pleasant. Valkyrie's best friend and partner in crime and the preventing of crime in equal parts. Her mentor, idol and protector since she was twelve; her soul mate. Until the end, those two.

Of course, never once in their vowed "until the end"s had it ever been even implied that this meant Valkyrie could never have another man in her life ever again. But that was how Skulduggery was taking it, as of late.

He wasn't being a control freak. He wasn't being horrible and shooting any man in the face that came within four metres of his Valkyrie. No, that wasn't him (sort of). He was just scaring them away and cackling about it later. Valkyrie knew, deep down (very, _very _deep down), that he was just trying to protect her, make sure she'd found the right man, but my god did the constant irritating (albeit hilarious for onlookers) putting-off make her wish Skulduggery had skin just so she could stab him.

The first time wasn't too bad. She was flirting with a young sanctuary medic at a crime scene, Christopher Strange, his name was. They were on the cusp of exchanging phone numbers, when Valkyrie's phone rang. She smiled apologetically at the young lad and answered the phone.

"Valkyrie," Skulduggery whispered down the phone, sounding panicked. Valkyrie's heartbeat instantly quickened.

"What? What's wrong?"

"Come quickly."

"Oh god, are you okay?"

"I don't know, just hurry. I'm in the Bentley."

Valkyrie hung up and turned and ran to the car, throwing a quick "Sorry, see you later!" across her shoulder. She didn't hear the reply.

Valkyrie wrenched the Bentley door open and jumped in, turning to Skulduggery who looked quite at ease.

"What's wrong? Are you alright?"

Skulduggery didn't reply, and instead drove off from the crime scene. They took country roads at a leisurely speed until they reached the outskirts of Dublin, upon which Skulduggery rolled the Bentley to a gentle stop outside a little ice-cream shop.

"Skulduggery?" Valkyrie asked, frowning at Skulduggery who was looking out the windscreen rather calmly. "What the hell's going on?"

Skulduggery turned to look at her.

"Lovely day, isn't it?"

Valkyrie frowned. "What?"

"I said, _'Lovely day, isn't it?'_. Nice and sunny. You must be warm."

"Uh..."

"You know what I'm going to do?"

"...What?"

"I'm going to get you an ice-cream."

"_What_?"

Before Valkyrie could demand further explanation, Skulduggery was out of the car and striding to the ice-cream shop. Valkyrie stared after him, completely baffled. He returned a few minutes later, hopping into the car and handing her a rather large strawberry ice-cream, complete with a rabbit face constructed from two chocolate Flakes and some chocolate buttons.

"It's a rabbit," Skulduggery pointed out, nodding proudly.

Valkyrie held the ice-cream, staring at Skulduggery.

"What?" Skulduggery asked, sounding confused.

"What do you mean '_What_?'?" Valkyrie demanded. "You rang me, sounding completely freaked out, and when I left a really cute guy standing there so I could go and see if you were okay, you drove off and _bought me an ice-cream_."

Skulduggery paused, and then turned to face forward, starting the Bentley and pulling away from the curb.

"I didn't like him," he said simply as they cruised down the street.

Valkyrie blinked. "What?"

"That boy. You were talking to. I didn't like the look of him."

"Are you seri-"

"His ears, Valkyrie. They didn't look like the kind of ears a man could trust. I didn't trust those ears."

Valkyrie stared some more, processing this information, and then a slow, disbelieving smile spread across her face.

"Did you just pull me away from a crime-scene in the most ridiculous way possible to get me away from a _boy_?"

"I will gladly save you from the machinations of any boy who has untrustworthy ears."

"Oh my god, you actually rushed me from a crime scene _to keep me away from a boy._"

"...Eat your ice-cream."

"You're unbelievable," Valkyrie said, dumbfounded. She bit the top off one of the make-shift rabbit ears.

Skulduggery turned to look at her, and spoke after a few moments. "You're too young for boys."

"Skulduggery, I'm _eighte-_"

"Wait until you're at least one hundred and twenty, then we'll see."

"I hate you."

"But I bought you ice-cream."

Valkyrie considered this, licking the ice-cream to see whether it was worthy or not of her forgiving Skulduggery. She decided it was.

"It was very sweet."

"What, the ice-cream?"

"No, you moron. You. Saving my poor innocent self from some evil boy."

Skulduggery nodded, patting Valkyrie's leg consolingly. "All boys are evil, Valkyrie. Never forget that."

Valkyrie smiled as she took a bite from the other flake.

"Where would I be without you?"

"With some maleficent boy, no doubt."

"Oh, heaven forbid."

"Agreed, my dear Valkyrie. Agreed."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 157- Bears- Sam Isaac**

"I still can't believe you rushed me away from a crime scene because of a _boy_."

"I don't think he could be classified as merely an innocent _boy_, Valkyrie. More like a malevolent creature of the night come to corrupt you and probably murder everyone you love. Let's be honest, here. Besides, you've got plenty to focus on other than boys- and the whole Fletcher-Caelan fiasco didn't work out too well."

Valkyrie winced at the mention of the two. It had certainly not been a fun experience in the end. "My dad says I'll have plenty of time for boys after I go to college and become a nun."

"And on that, I agree wholeheartedly. Except the nun part. You wouldn't be nearly as helpful if you were a nun. Nuns usually have grievances about hitting people in the face.

"Whereas I quite happily punch people in the face," Valkyrie nodded thoughtfully.

"Exactly."

Valkyrie went back to staring out the passenger seat window, and then turned back to Skulduggery a few moments later.

"Do you think I should go to college?" She asked.

Skulduggery stared out the windscreen in contemplation, and then turned to her.

"Would I _mind _if you went to college? Well- I wouldn't stop you going if you wanted to. You haven't exactly been to school in a while, and college would be a horrifically normal thing for you to go to. Do I _think _you should go to college? Again, no. But I suppose, if you ever want to, you know...leave magic behind, then-"

"I won't," Valkyrie cut in.

"Well then, I don't think you need college. You've got a job. A dangerous job, admittedly, but a good job, I think. And a fantastic, highly-intelligent, handsome devil of a partner, too. And of course, Gordon's inheritance. Would I _miss _you if you want to college? Very much so. Who's going to run around after me in a constant state of awe if you go away for a few years?"

Valkyrie had to laugh, despite the insult.

"Although," Skulduggery continued, "I think you should see the world. There's more to life than Ireland, Valkyrie."

"I know."

"I know you know. You haven't spent all these years with me just to become a narrow-minded individual. But you need to travel- go and see America, India, Africa...Magic is amazing, but the world more so."

Valkyrie smiled. "I will. I'll go travel. _We'll _go travel. We'll go and take down some magical criminals across the world."

"Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain; international detective duo."

"Yep. That's us."

"It _does_ have a ring to it."

"We'll get matching t-shirts."

"Dear God," Skulduggery murmured.

"I want to go to Thailand," Valkyrie announced after a moment, nodding decisively.

"Thailand's nice. Very hot. Beautiful, though."

"Any magical criminals?"

"Many."

"Well then, we'll go to Thailand."

"Alright then. Anywhere else?"

"America. I don't know where, though."

"Yosemite."

"Where, sorry?"

"It's in California. It's a national park. Big rivers, beautiful mountains, proper postcard scenery."

"Many magical criminals?"

"No, not really. Plenty of bears, though."

"Alright then. We'll just arrest some bears."

"Bears are certainly more manageable than what we've faced before."

"Agreed. Have you ever seen a bear?"

"Of course. I've fought a bear, you know."

Valkyrie stared.

"_Really_?"

"Oh, yes. A huge, black, grizzly bear. It was ten foot tall on its hind legs."

"I can't tell whether you're joking or not."

"I'm not, honestly. I fought it to death."

"Oh my God."

"Yep. Armed with nothing but my bare hands and a pillow case."

Valkyrie paused.

"...Shut up," she scowled.

"What?"

"You did not take down a bear with your bare hands and a pillow case."

"I most certainly did. I distracted it, jumped on its back and suffocated it with the pillow case."

"You're lying."

"I am not."

"Alright, then, supposing this bear _did _suffer death-by-pillow case. Why?"

Skulduggery looked at her. "It insulted my fashion sense."

Valkyrie stared, and then her expression of scepticism and slight awe very quickly shifted back into a scowl. She slapped Skulduggery's arm angrily and turned her back to him.

"You're completely bloody ridiculous," she growled, staring out the window with a disgruntled expression.

Skulduggery patted Valkyrie's arm, chuckling.

"I know. A lesser man would've just left the bear to its misinformed, uneducated opinions, but not me. I had to defend my impeccable dress sense...I couldn't _bear_ to have my lovely suits insulted."

"Oh my god, I hate you so much." Valkyrie breathed.

Skulduggery laughed the whole way home.


End file.
